Why Not Just Leave?

The question, “Why not just leave?” is often asked by people who don’t understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship. Leaving is never as simple as that. Statistically, the most dangerous time for an abused victim is when they flee their abuser. A troubling 75% of domestic-related homicides occur during that time. Due to the extreme risk, a victim must take specific steps to protect themselves.

My Escape Story

I first attempted to leave my abusive ex in 2000. His level of craziness had intensified, and with it my fear. One day, he came home and, in a state of fury, shouted that I was acting like an out-of-control, rebellious teenager. He demanded that it was his duty to put me back in line. He grabbed me by the arm, took my cellphone and keys, and locked me up in the bedroom.

I crawled under the bed, dragging the landline phone with me. Either he forgot about that extension or had planned on my using it, so he listened in from the kitchen phone. I called the police, who soon arrived. Two officers stood guard while my four children and I each quickly packed a suitcase. The officers then placed us in the back of their patrol car and drove us to a shelter.

On average, a victim will leave their abuser and then return up to seven times before making their escape permanent. This hesitation is due to the complicated relationship between an abuser and their victim. Even when a victim physically leaves, emotionally, they still may remain captive.

A person cannot break free from emotional captivity on their own. It requires retraining their thought patterns. We don’t know what we don’t know. If, as was the case in my situation, all we knew was abuse, then we are unable to recognize healthy relationship behaviors. This skill must be learned, which takes time and the help of experts. For more on this topic, see https://crystalmmhuntley.com/2024/07/revealing-why-running-from-abuse-is-never-enough/

Falling into Statistics

My children and I spent one night in the shelter. Falling into the statistics, the following morning, I informed the staff that I had caused the problem by not being obedient enough. I then called a friend who picked us up and brought us back home. It took another eleven years before I gathered the courage to leave permanently.

By 2011, the Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome I was born with had advanced to the point where I needed to depend on a wheelchair. One day in early February, my ex came home and announced that he was turning my handicap accessible home into his new office. He threatened that if I didn’t cooperate, he’d stop paying the mortgage and allow our house to go into foreclosure. Adding to his intimidation, he insisted I would cause our fifteen-year-old daughter, our only child still in the nest, to be homeless if I did not meet his demands.

My ex laid out a specific time, demanding that I remain there to meet with him and a lawyer. He said he had drawn up legal paperwork for me to sign that would declare me unfit. By signing this paperwork, I would relinquish all my rights, giving him complete authority over every aspect of my life. As a final gut-punch, he stated that he was going to place me in a home.

He then stomped from the house, slamming the door behind him. Fear rose within me as I watched the tires of his truck kick up gravel as he sped out of sight. Once I could no longer hear the roar of his diesel engine, I called a neighbor, grabbed a suitcase, and quickly packed it. This trusted neighbor took me to a local domestic violence shelter. This time, I remained for six months.

One Friend’s Reaction

A month or so after I had arrived at the shelter, a friend, whom I will call Pat, contacted me. She wanted to take me out for coffee. We sat in a delightful cafe. I savored the aroma of the flavored coffee Pat had purchased for me when she looked up and said, “You know, you didn’t have to leave.”

My thoughts went blank. What did she mean that I didn’t have to leave? She knew long before that monumental day how unsafe things were getting.

“All you had to do was appease your husband, and everything would have worked out fine.”

The coffee in my mouth turned rancid. I choked it down. Multiple months before my departure, Pat had indicated how she clearly saw the harrowing conditions I had lived under. Back then, she assured me of her support. It now became clear that I had her support only if I remained in that toxic relationship. What Pat called support, I call enabling.

I thought she’d understand, for her marriage was also one riddled with abuse. That day, I discovered that even when a friend can relate to an abusive situation, unless they, too, are ready to flee, they will turn their backs on you when you act to improve your life. If you need to escape an abusive relationship, don’t let this information stop you. You are worth being treated with value!

To see more Crystalisms, visit https://www.facebook.com/groups/1360983917796761.

Opened Eyes

If someone you know needs to flee, support them all the way. Having the courage to take steps to leave an abusive situation and learn new survival skills opens a person up to recognizing how far the toxicity exists and to receive new, healthy friendships.

I highly recommend a domestic violence shelter for anyone leaving an abusive relationship. These shelters provide a safe space for the escapee, and much more. They are equipped with skilled staff members and counselors who teach necessary life skills, like learning to spot signs of an abuser.

Physically escaping is a life-altering step. Yet, to remain free, many more steps must be taken. Staff members within a shelter can help direct a person on this path toward total freedom. Without learning such necessary skills, those who escape an abusive environment will soon fall back into yet another harmful relationship. This happens because people tend to remain with what they know and with whom they feel comfortable.

I’m an example. I left my abusive childhood home at age eighteen, yet because my parents’ behavior was all I knew, within a little over a year, I got with a man, much like the father who had raised me. It took me twenty-six years to finally leave this man and start my life over. With Thanksgiving just around the corner, I have much for which to be grateful. I now have an amazing life filled with more love and joy than I ever could have imagined. This transformation would never have happened if I had not taken that first step.

Taking steps to leave is a sign of courage and strength. Your decision to leave is never your fault.

Seven Steps to Safely Escape

Develop a Safety Plan – This personalized plan should include how to remain safe while with the abuser, along with during and after leaving. Include where you will go, who and what you will take with you, and how you will get there. Have everything you need ready and available, but put it in a secure place so as not to give suspicion.
Reach Out for Support – Talk about leaving only with those you trust. Contact a domestic violence hotline or shelter. They are experts in providing sound guidance and support.
Emergency Numbers – Keep a readily available list of emergency numbers in a safe, accessible place. This list should include contact information to local police, the nearest domestic shelter, and trusted friends or family members.
Important Documents – Gather all your important documents, such as Social Security cards, passports, birth certificates, and any other legal documents you may need to ensure the safety of you and your children.
Secure Your Finances – If you have a joint account, open a separate one in your name and keep it confidential.
Change all Passwords – Remove your ex-partner from any shared accounts. Block him/her from your social media platforms.
Change Your Phone Number – provide your new phone number and contact information only to those who can be trusted and will support you in remaining separate from your abuser.

For further information on how to safely escape, see A 10-Step Safety Plan for Leaving an Abusive Relationship | Psychology Today.

Upcoming Posts

I invite you to join me next time to explore the risks involved in comparing yourself to others.

Note to My Readers

To further support your healing journey, I’ve added a direct access hotline/resource page to my website. Find it at https://crystalmmhuntley.com/resources/.

Writing is my passion. It is also an excellent healing tool. The beauty of fiction is that it allows you to create outcomes that don’t exist in the everyday world. This is why I have chosen to write my book in this genre. I pray that all who indulge in my written creations find entertainment and enjoyment. I also pray that you become inspired to move forward in your healing journey. May all who indulge in my written creations find entertainment, enjoyment, and inspiration to move forth in your healing journey.

Hopefully, you have gained value from this blog post. If you have, I would like to offer you the opportunity to purchase my books. You can purchase The Hidden Diamond and Robin’s Gift here at BUY THE BOOK – Crystal MM Huntley.

***Robin’s Gift*** – Lost and alone, Natalie’s biggest dream is to fulfill her desire to be loved. A tragic accident calls her home. Can she return and face her greatest fear?

***The Hidden Diamond*** – Immerse yourself in a journey that uncovers the worth of a wounded soul amongst a lifetime of sin.

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My Escape Story

Falling into Statistics

One Friend’s Reaction

Opened Eyes

Seven Steps to Safely Escape

Upcoming Posts

Note to My Readers

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