Abuse Changes a Person

Abuse changes a person. People don’t overcome abuse any more than they overcome any traumatic event. Such incidents weave threads into the very fabric of their being.

My children’s father, a seasoned narcissist and abuser whom I stayed with for twenty-six years, once told me that I must “get over the abuse from my childhood.” He then proudly announced that he was giving me one year to get over it. Needless to say, his poignant statement reflected his abusive ways. What he and many others don’t understand is that abuse changes a person. Someone doesn’t just “get over having been abused.” It knits a permanently stained strand into that person’s DNA, placing its impact on their very soul.

Even as my ex made this insensitive statement, I saw the ludicrousness within his words. That situation occurred around twenty years ago. Since then, I’ve undergone years of intensive therapy and have made major healing strides, yet the effects of forty-six years of abuse continue to arise. And sad but true, it will always impact me.

Emotional Scars

Abusers destroy their victims’ sense of self-worth. They cater to their victims’ fears. My abuse began during infancy in the form of sodomy, along with other ways. Whatever form abuse takes, that physical act often isn’t what places the most severe wounds on its victim. It’s the deep emotional gashes that come with such heinous actions that become the hardest to heal.

I grew up with constant reinforcement that I carried no worth. Prominent people around me reiterated that they would remain with me only if I catered to their wishes. If I dared to rebel in any way, I would find myself alone and abandoned. As a result, I developed a deep-seated fear of abandonment. It became one of the miscolored threads that has permanently stained my existence.

Like an unsightly stain on a once pristine cloth, the wounds of abuse distort how a person views their world. Some of that obstructive miscoloring occurred recently when someone whom I dearly love and trust spoke with me over the phone. I can’t even recall what we were talking about, but as I hung up, a wave of illogical fear flooded me.

I could allow myself to drown in that flood of fear, or I could use it as an opportunity, a beacon of sorts, to point me toward another level of healing. Instead of allowing myself to settle into the fear of rejection, I remind myself that this person would never reject me. My relationship with her is secure. She loves me unconditionally and completely understands and accepts my struggles. I am fully safe with her.

How Fear is Managed is a Choice.

To see more Crystalisms, visit https://www.facebook.com/groups/1360983917796761.

Fears from past wounds will arise. They cannot be avoided. However, when they do arise, we have a choice. Do we allow fear to push us downstream on its current, risking being bashed against stones, fallen trees, and whatever else may be in the way, or do we fight against it and use our already developed muscles to swim upstream toward a pool of calm, refreshing water? The choice is always ours. For more on forgiveness, see https://crystalmmhuntley.com/2023/07/why-make-the-unpopular-choice-to-forgive/.

Someone who read my book, The Hidden Diamond, recently contacted me, asking this question. “How do you forgive someone who hasn’t said they are sorry?” Thinking back to those people who have woven stained threads into my fabric, none of them have apologized. I don’t expect that those who are still alive ever will.

To ask for forgiveness, one must first regret their actions and accept the reality of what they have done. This would mean that they must open their eyes and examine their life. They must be willing to see the wounds that have been inflicted on them and the consequent choices that they have made. The longer a person goes without taking such an inventory of their lives, the greater the task becomes. If someone hasn’t faced this task before entering the latter half of their life, the task often becomes far too big for most to consider tackling.

The Hidden Diamond

When I wrote The Hidden Diamond, I utilized the fiction genre. I wanted to illustrate what facing one’s truth can look like. The person behind my character, whom I named Aldous, has long ago passed on. He would never have admitted that his selfish actions harmed me, my sister, his grandchildren, and other children within our small town. But fiction gave me a way to change his story, and in the writing process, even without the real person’s apology, it helped me to forgive him and heal.

I must emphasize that forgiveness is never for the perpetrator. Forgiveness sets us free from the chains our abusers wrapped around us. Every time we recall a harmful incident, that memory emotionally reinforces the event’s effects on us, as if it were happening in the present.

To the perpetrator, a particular incident occurred only once, but to the victim, it continued happening again and again. By choosing to forgive, we stop the continuous replay, setting ourselves free. No one has the power to free another by forgiveness or any other means. Such healing is an inside job. With every blog I write, I’m handing you tools to sever those chains and set yourself free.

Abuse Changes a Person

Another opportunity for growth and healing I frequently get comes from Rich. My beloved Rich is a natural-born comedian. He often will feign being angry as a joke, but one look at his face proves otherwise. Having been raised in a home filled with rage, I learned to fear any sign of impending anger. I also learned to walk gently and do nothing that might ignite that ever-persistent spark of rage. As a result, when Rich jokes around in his natural form, I often battle not to be swept away on the menacing current of instinctive reactions.

During those times, I’m swept away, I’m unable to see Rich for who he truly is. My vision becomes stained by memories of my past. But every time I fight the current and swim upstream back into the present reality, I weaken those links that chained me to past abuses and the harm they’ve inflicted upon me. In time, as I continue my healing work, those chains will break, setting me totally free. For more on how to forgive, see https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/skinny-revisited/202207/how-forgive-in-six-steps?msockid=0799baeeda9265061047ac28dbea646c

I hope this blog has answered this reader’s question, “How do you forgive someone who hasn’t said they are sorry?” I also hope this blog has helped you learn how to forgive anyone in your life who has placed a restrictive chain around you, so you can be set free from their harm. I invite thoughts and questions regarding this topic. Please enter them under “Leave a Reply” below.

Upcoming Posts

I invite you to join me next time for Is Someone Gaslighting You, the first of a three-part series on gaslighting.

Note to My Readers

To further support your healing journey, I’ve added a direct access hotline/resource page to my website. You can view it at https://crystalmmhuntley.com/resources/.

Writing is my passion. It is also an excellent healing tool. The beauty of fiction is that it allows you to create outcomes that don’t exist in the everyday world. This is why I have chosen to write my book in this genre. May all who indulge in my written creations find entertainment, enjoyment, and inspiration to move forth in your healing journey.

Hopefully, you have gained value from this blog post. If you have, I would like to offer you the opportunity to purchase my books. You can purchase The Hidden Diamond and Robin’s Gift at BUY THE BOOK – Crystal MM Huntley.

***The Hidden Diamond*** – Immerse yourself in a journey that uncovers the worth of a wounded soul amongst a lifetime of sin.

***Robin’s Gift*** – Lost and alone, Natalie’s biggest dream is to fulfill her desire to be loved. A tragic accident calls her home. Can she return and face her greatest fear?

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Emotional Scars

How Fear is Managed is a Choice.

The Hidden Diamond

Abuse Changes a Person

Upcoming Posts

Note to My Readers

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