Can Habits Hinder Your Healing?

Can habits hinder your healing? We human beings are true creatures of habit. In many ways, habits support us, and yet, they can also hold us back from healing, growth, and getting where we want to go in life.

In my healing journey, I’ve discovered that part of healing involves taking inventory of existing habits and, when needed, establishing new ones. Constantly asking permission is one of many signs of having suffered abuse. I developed that habit early on in my childhood, and it persists even to this day. I frequently catch myself starting phrases with the words “Let me …” That comment preempts basic statements like “Let me go to the bathroom.” I’ve never kept track of how many times I preempt my sentences with that beginning tag on, but I’m certain the numbers would be staggering.

Forming this Habit

My parents’ abusive, overbearing control established within me this pattern of asking permission. I remember sitting at the dining room table as we ate our after-church Sunday dinner. My parents always engaged in extensive conversations during that time. Whenever I wished to speak, I would raise my hand and quietly wait to be acknowledged before I could add voice to the table, even if I said something like, “May I, please, have more green beans?”

Father’s pride in the prominent priesthood office he held, along with his work as a psychotherapist at our local hospital, led him to invite business colleagues frequently into our home. They often joined us for these meals, where Mother proudly put on a Thanksgiving-type spread.

After eating, we would move into the living room, where the conversation continued. I’d sit on the floor in the corner of the room with my knees pulled up under my chin and remain quiet—seen and not heard—for as long as possible. That is, until the urge to use the bathroom became too strong to ignore. Instead of simply leaving to take care of my needs, as most children would do, I’d raise my hand and wait for Father to notice me. When he did, in a timid, polite voice, I’d ask to be excused so I could use the restroom.

Yet Another Time

Mother and Father often raved about my extreme politeness. One day, Mother and I sat in a restaurant. When the waitress asked to take my order, I responded with my usual “please” and “thank you.” The waitress commented on my politeness, to which Mother beamed. This stranger had no way of knowing that my excessive manners were a sign of the abuse and repression my parents had put me under.

I will never know what part of that excessively polite behavior was genuine and how much resulted from fear and extreme compliance. For guidance in learning to overcome victimhood, see https://crystalmmhuntley.com/2025/05/how-to-learn-not-to-be-a-victim/.

Another habit I cultivated since childhood was being excessively apologetic. The words “I’m sorry” spilled out of my mouth like water pouring over the edge of a waterfall. Genuine apologies are crucial in healthy relationships. But when a person over-apologizes, as I tend to, they are, in a sense, apologizing for their very existence.

I first noticed how over-apologizing becomes self-depleting back in the 1990s. Some neighborhood girls were playing badminton with my children in our backyard. I hit the birdie toward Tangie, the older of the two. When she swung her racket, she missed. “I’m sorry” spilled from her mouth as she hung her head. That was a “lightbulb moment” for me. When Tangie apologized for something that no one should feel sorry about, I watched her excessive apologetic mannerisms bleed into her body language, placing an ugly stain on her sense of self-worth.

Can Habits Hinder Your Healing?

So, again, I ask you, can habits hinder your healing? Nothing is wrong with cultivating a habit of politeness toward others. Every human being should be treated with a measure of respect. But a problem exists when excessive politeness reflects the belief that those spoken to carry more value than you do.

As a result of my upbringing, my early-on cultivated tendency to ask for permission for almost everything I did followed me into adulthood and grew into a solid unconscious habit. Every time that harmful habit revealed itself through my words, I subconsciously reinforced the damaging belief that I must be submissive to those around me and that everyone else held more value than I did. Continuing such harmful habits keeps the abuse from my past alive within my being.

Experience has taught me that habits can’t be broken. For example, if you repeatedly drive a truck down a dirt road over the exact path each time, before long, deep grooves will form in the dirt. Whenever you drive over that same pathway, you reinforce those grooves.

Within no time at all, those grooves become deep trenches. This same thing happens within our brains with repeated habits. Those continuously reinforced paths that the brainwaves take become dominant. A well-trenched brainwave route can’t be broken up. It requires the conscious act of building new pathways.

To see more Crystalisms, visit https://www.facebook.com/groups/1360983917796761.

Breaking the Habit

So how does someone break free from a harmful habit? Here are three steps to set you on your way to letting go of unhealthy habits and cultivating ones that serve you.

Recognize the habit exists.
Build your awareness of that habit and of each time and under what circumstances it occurs.
Replace that habit with a different, healthier action.

Now that I’m aware that within me exist trenches that have formed from harmful habits, I remain alert to them. Rich and I help each other use healthier language. When one of us apologizes for something that we are not responsible for, the other reminds them that they do not need to apologize. Sometimes excessive apologies come from compassion. At those moments, we’ve created a safe word that to us says “I feel for you.”

When I slip and start a sentence with “Let me …,” asking permission, Rich will respond with “Let you?” I then reword what I’m saying to something like, “I’m going to …” As I make this shift, I’m rewarded greatly. I can feel myself shrinking with the words “Let me.” But when I make that simple change to “I’m going to …,” I feel myself reclaiming my due power. That simple wordage shift spills over to my posture. My body automatically responds by rolling its shoulders back and standing a bit taller.

Give Yourself Time and Grace

Habit changes, like what I’m describing, don’t happen overnight. Just like the truck had to drive over the exact pathway on the dirt road multiple times to create those deep-set trenches. However, if you consciously step out of those gullies that don’t serve you and take the necessary time while exercising the consistency and persistence required, you can etch out for yourself new habits that reflect your true value.

As you work on developing healthy habits, be kind to yourself when you slip back into the old, deeply trenched pathways. It will happen. Recognizing it for what it is, a part of the process, then correct your behavior and move on.

To see more Crystalisms, visit https://www.facebook.com/groups/1360983917796761.

What habitual pathways do you need to step away from? What new ones do you wish to form that will better serve you? I hope today’s blog has provided helpful information to guide you on your journey toward healthy pathways that honor you.

Upcoming Posts

I invite you to join me next time and explore ways to advocate for yourself.

Note to My Readers

To further support your healing journey, I’ve added a direct access hotline/resource page to my website. You can view it at https://crystalmmhuntley.com/resources/.

Writing is my passion. It is also an excellent healing tool. The beauty of fiction is that it allows you to create outcomes that don’t exist in the everyday world. This is why I have chosen to write my book in this genre. May all of you who indulge in my written creations find entertainment, enjoyment, and inspiration to move forward in your healing journey.

Hopefully, you have gained value from this blog post. If so, I would like to offer you the opportunity to purchase my books. You can purchase The Hidden Diamond and Robin’s Gift here at BUY THE BOOK – Crystal MM Huntley.

***Robin’s Gift*** – Lost and alone, Natalie’s biggest dream is to fulfill her desire to be loved. A tragic accident calls her home. Can she return and face her greatest fear?

*The Hidden Diamond* – Immerse yourself in a journey that uncovers the worth of a wounded soul amongst a lifetime of sin.

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Forming this Habit

Yet Another Time

Can Habits Hinder Your Healing?

Breaking the Habit

Give Yourself Time and Grace

Upcoming Posts

Note to My Readers

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