How Do You Forgive and Remain Safe?

How do you forgive and remain safe from your perpetrator? I wrote today’s blog to answer this question, which people have often asked me. Many believe holding onto anger and resentment gives them a protective shield against those who have harmed them. I’m one of the many who’ve battled a fear that softening my heart toward someone who’s proven dangerous may inadvertently let them back into my life. Not wanting to give them another chance to harm me, I’m tempted to keep up this protective shield.

I, like many of you, struggle when an abusive person goes unpunished. Most of the abusers in my life have gotten away with their actions. A part of me aches for these people to be brought to justice. And if the system doesn’t do what it should to hold these people accountable, it’s tempting to harbor anger and resentment, believing it will deliver that well-deserved punishment.

However, this line of thinking is flawed. Every ounce of energy you focus on someone who has wronged you depletes resources that could bring you joy. Holding onto past pain tethers someone to that person and the event associated with their pain. It impedes healing and keeps them a victim, stopping them from moving forward. Anytime someone refuses to forgive, they build prison walls around themself.

Current Life Example

Recently, Rich, I, and a circle of close friends have been dealing with a person whose actions have caused much emotional harm. His actions have caused us all to feel unsafe. We’ve come together and are using guidance from others trained to handle this type of issue. However, this process takes time.

While we wait for things to be sorted out and for the right actions to happen, we have had to change many parts of our daily routines to keep everyone safe. This waiting period is hard for all of us because our freedoms are limited for now, and it feels unfair that the person responsible is not being held accountable yet. Still, this time is important. It gives us the chance to follow the right legal steps to ensure everyone’s safety in the future.

It’s tempting to villainize someone like the person we are currently dealing with, but everyone is a Child of God. Genesis 1:17 reminds us that God created all human beings in His Holy image. That alone gives every individual worth. Because of this, I strongly believe that no one was born “evil.” We have all been given the same gift of choice. For some reason, instead of choosing to heal their wounds, some people decide to use those wounds as an excuse to harm others. We have a perfect right to protect ourselves from those individuals, but that doesn’t mean we are justified in dehumanizing them.

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness isn’t about excusing the past. Forgiveness is about freeing yourself to live in the present.

Like most things in life, forgiveness is not a one-and-done thing. I wouldn’t even call it a destination. It is a process; a journey. To help myself forgive, I remember often that those who cause the most pain do so because they are in pain, and they lack tools to manage their pain in a healthy way. Keeping this focus in mind helps me to see the perpetrator through a lens of compassion.

To see more Crystalisms, visit https://www.facebook.com/groups/1360983917796761.

I’m aware that many who’ve experienced harm become completely turned off and even defensive when I suggest compassion toward the perpetrator. However, compassion doesn’t mean excusing their actions. It also doesn’t mean giving them a pass.

Resentment cannot take root and grow where compassion exists. When we extend compassion, we are not only paving a pathway toward freedom for ourselves, but we are also honoring a pathway for the offender’s healing. We can only hope that they will someday walk through it. Again, this in no way means that we are to escort them through that door. Often the healthiest thing for each party, perpetrator and victim, is to go their separate ways.

When we forgive, we reclaim control of our lives and become our own liberators. For more on this topic, see https://crystalmmhuntley.com/2026/05/forgiving-vs-forgetting/.

The Voice of Pain

I once received a heartbreaking question from someone severely wounded by their ex-spouse. “How can I take revenge on my narcissistic ex? Please don’t say “Move on.” I want to destroy him as he destroyed me.”

Her extensive pain from years of inflicted wounds shouted out loud and clear through her bitter words. She desperately needed help to move on, so I gave her this advice. “What someone like your ex least wants is for you to be happy and succeed in life. So doing just that is the best way to get them back.”

I understand her desire for revenge. It’s often a natural response when someone else harms us. I also get how forgiving the person who has harmed her could feel like giving them a blessing when, at this stage, all she wants is some form of payback. However, seeking revenge is like drinking poison. It harms the person seeking it far more than the intended recipient.

How Do You Forgive and Remain Safe?

All tragedy can be learned from. It doesn’t have to define us. When we free ourselves from an abuser with the added step of forgiveness, we are better able to glean something of value from the experience. With forgiving comes the power to choose who you want to become instead of letting that abuser and/or an event mold you. However, I want to reemphasize that this still, in no way, excuses a person’s actions.

Here is my definition of forgiveness, which I use on the back of my book, The Hidden Diamond.

Forgiveness is not forgetting; it is not pretending the harmful action did not happen. It is letting go of the wish that things had happened differently. Forgiveness is accepting what was so that you can live in what is.

How to Know if Someone Is Respecting Your Boundaries.

Part of learning forgiveness and freedom from abusers includes knowing how to avoid future abusers, so I created the following list.

Your “no” is fully respected.
When you place a limit, they adjust their behavior accordingly.
They treat you with respect and value your worth. They don’t minimize, mock, belittle, or guilt you.
When you are around them, you can let your guard down and feel genuinely comfortable in their presence.
You don’t feel pressured to do something that goes against your values.
They don’t emotionally manipulate or gaslight you.
Your privacy and confidentiality are respected.
They don’t touch you without consent and respect your need for space.
Before they make decisions that may affect you, they ask for and respect your opinion.
They respect your time and availability.
You don’t feel pushed to reveal personal information you’re not comfortable sharing.
When you talk with them, you feel heard.
You feel safe speaking up for yourself and expressing your needs.

People tend to teach what they most need to learn. I’ve needed to learn forgiveness because of the abundant number of evil actions multiple abusers have inflicted upon me. That doesn’t mean forgiveness comes easy for me. It means that because I refuse to allow those abusers to destroy my life, I consciously work at sharpening my ability to forgive. As I gain freedom and newfound joy from my efforts, I share them with you, hoping that what I’ve learned can also help you find freedom and a more joyous life.

Upcoming Posts

I invite you to join me next time and discover how to spot if a sexual predator may be grooming your child.

Note to My Readers

To further support your healing journey, I’ve added a direct access hotline/resource page to my website. You can view it at https://crystalmmhuntley.com/resources/.

Writing is my passion. It is also an excellent healing tool. The beauty of fiction is that it allows me to create outcomes that don’t exist in the everyday world, which is why I’ve chosen to write my books in this genre. May all of you who indulge in my written creations find entertainment, enjoyment, and inspiration to help you move forth in your healing journey.

I hope you have found value in this blog post. If so, I would like to offer you the opportunity to purchase my books. You can purchase The Hidden Diamond and Robin’s Gift here at BUY THE BOOK – Crystal MM Huntley.

***Robin’s Gift*** – Lost and alone, Natalie’s biggest dream is to fulfill her desire to be loved. A tragic accident calls her home. Can she return and face her greatest fear?

***The Hidden Diamond*** – Immerse yourself in a journey that uncovers the worth of a wounded soul amongst a lifetime of sin.

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Current Life Example

What is Forgiveness?

The Voice of Pain

How Do You Forgive and Remain Safe?

How to Know if Someone Is Respecting Your Boundaries.

Upcoming Posts

Note to My Readers

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