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Forgiving vs Forgetting

Forgiving vs Forgetting

Forgiving vs forgetting. When forgiving, should we also forget? The healing journey never follows a straightforward path. More times than I can count, I’ve come to a place where I’m certain that I’m moving along wonderfully in my healing, only for something to happen that knocks me off my feet and back into the throes of past trauma.

Instead of taking a smooth upward path toward freedom, I’ve found that the healing journey tends to follow that “two steps forward and one step back” pattern. That step backward often occurs when I’ve forgotten a valuable lesson my healing has taught me, or I stumble onto a lesson I haven’t yet completely learned.

Recently, I slid down the “one step back” slope. An event happened that sliced open many of my old wounds, leaving me feeling like a helpless, vulnerable eight-year-old child once again. This began when I met someone who brought out my mothering instincts, stripping away all my defenses. As a result, I threw all caution to the wind and reached out to this person too quickly, inviting them into our home and our lives.

Wounds Color Reality

My history is filled with situations where I’ve over-trusted people, resulting in painful consequences. I tend to fall into this behavior to the point of making myself vulnerable. The fact that I continue to repeat this action baffles me, for one would think that the trauma and abuse in my past would result in me losing the ability to trust. For over half a century, I have gone through countless experiences that have proven I need to be far more cautious before I trust at such deep levels. And yet, like any growth process, it is often slow and painful.

I don’t know if brainwashing from my cultish parents, who taught me to follow blindly and never question, is the source of my tendency to over-trust. For more insight into how my parents raised me, see https://crystalmmhuntley.com/2025/05/how-to-learn-not-to-be-a-victim/. Or could it be due to my autistic tendencies? The answer is probably a combination of both.

I don’t want to go into the gritty details of this recent event. Yet the ending result is that this seemingly innocent interaction placed Rich and me, and a group of faithful friends, in an unsafe predicament. Misunderstanding and undue heartache resulted. I still strongly believe that God is the master of turning something good out of something bad. Ultimately, that happened, as I now have a clearer sense of who to trust and how to exercise caution. I also feel more loved by my closest circle of day-to-day friends than before.

This occurrence made it extremely clear to me why, when forgiving, it is crucial not to forget. My tendency to over-trust would not exist if I held firmly onto the memories of people’s root characteristics. No matter how sweet and gentle a so-called tamed lion may appear, wild instincts still run within its veins. If given the right circumstances, that lion will bite.

Forgiving vs Forgetting

Forgiving someone and trusting that someone are two very separate entities. People often associate the phrase “forgive and forget” with the bible. But it’s not. This frequently used phrase instructs us to release resentment and stop dwelling on the wrongdoing. “Forgive and forget” originated from thirteenth-century English literature. It was used to teach what they considered to be Christian moral behavior. This phrase then gained popularity in the sixteenth century through Shakespeare’s writings.

I forgive other people’s actions because I recognize that whatever occurred and how they acted resulted from their own unresolved wounds. My compassion for the wounds they bear, and my limited understanding of where they come from, support my ability to let go of any resentment. Their action was not personal. It was more about them than me. They would probably have done the same thing to anyone else if given the opportunity.

Even still, as I forgive, I find that it’s not wise to forget. They granted me the opportunity to peer through a window into their wounds, allowing me to see the effects those wounds have had on them. They also gave me a clearer vision of where they are on their healing journey. Forgiving a person does not make it wise to expect that person to act differently in the future, as if their unresolved wounds have healed. Just like my unresolved wounds caused me to be too quick to trust, their unresolved wounds will cause them to bite.

The Hidden Diamond

In my book, The Hidden Diamond, Dakota’s parents forgive Aldous, but they remain conscious that Aldous may not be fully safe. Remembering this fact allows Randy and Alexandra to protect their son, as is illustrated in the excerpt from Chapter Forty.

A peaceful sensation brushed across me as if touched by a fresh breeze. The skin on my forearms prickled. “Calm down, honey. Most importantly, we’ll protect our son. Under no circumstances would God want another child harmed.

Alexandra lifted her head. “What does God have to do with this? I felt convinced God had brought that man into our lives as a way to reconcile my grandfather.”

“God has far more to do with this than either of us could realize.” I pulled back and stood up. “Sandra, there’s much more to this story than the knowledge we received tonight. When I spoke to Aldous, I suppressed a rage so intense that if I had let myself, I could have torn that man limb from limb.” My biceps flexed, then relaxed again. “It was the strangest thing—as if God’s peace shrouded my anger. ‘You must help this man forgive. You must help this man forgive.’ The words repeated over and over again, almost audible in my head. They drummed out in perfect rhythm with each pound of my heart. They drowned out all my anger, so as I spoke to him, only words of comfort and forgiveness spilled from my mouth.” I glanced down at my wife.

Takeaway

We all have wounds. I can only hope that we are all slowly healing and growing beyond them. But it’s a grueling and time-consuming process. We need to extend kindness to one another and support each other in healing without placing ourselves in vulnerable positions. I’m still learning this lesson right along with you. I share my experience, hoping that my openness helps people, maybe even you, to grow and heal. By supporting each other, links of abuse break, and suffocating chains fall off.

This situation I shared with you taught me that as I approach others with kindness, I must remember to use caution. Things aren’t always as they appear on the surface. One never knows the wounds and burdens another carries.

My definition of forgiveness is to relinquish your wish for a different past so you can embrace the present. Forgiveness is not about pretending the past did not happen. It is about accepting that it did and choosing not to let it control you anymore. Giving up the wish for a different past is difficult. We all have moments we wish we could change. But holding onto that wish keeps us trapped. Letting it go allows us to live fully in the present.

Forgiving vs Forgetting
Forgiving vs Forgetting

To see more Crystalisms, visit  https://www.facebook.com/groups/1360983917796761.

Disclosure

I want to remind you that I’m not a therapist of any sort. I’m a survivor of abuse, journeying down my own personal healing path. The only thing that may set me apart from others is my decision to share what I’ve learned along the way to aid others as they navigate their own healing path. To further support your healing journey, I invite you to my hotline/resource page at https://crystalmmhuntley.com/resources/.

Upcoming Posts

I invite you to join me next time to discover how the seeds you’ve sown in your life impact yourself and others.

Note to My Readers

Writing is my passion. It is also an excellent healing tool. The beauty of fiction is that it allows you to create outcomes that don’t exist in the everyday world. This is why I have chosen to write my book in this genre. May all who indulge in my written creations find entertainment, enjoyment, and inspiration to move forth in your healing journey.

Hopefully, you have gained value from this blog post. If so, I would like to offer you the opportunity to purchase my books. You can purchase The Hidden Diamond and Robin’s Gift here at BUY THE BOOK – Crystal MM Huntley.

Robin’s Gift – Lost and alone, Natalie’s biggest dream is to fulfill her desire to be loved. A tragic accident calls her home. Can she return and face her greatest fear?
The Hidden Diamond – Immerse yourself in a journey that uncovers the worth of a wounded soul amongst a lifetime of sin.

Alexandra All souls are priceless no matter their past. A personal reason to testify. Assure myself with a pep talk. Boundaries Breaking Out Breathe into the space of peace. Complex CPTSD Continue to write for God. Discover My Newest Post Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Forgiveness Free Giveaway From Robin’s Gift God chooses. Grace Enters Hope How I got out of the wheelchair. Installing Healthy Boundaries Invite Keep up the good work. Master New Skills My Mission My Story Note To My Readers Resources Robin’s Gift Robin’s Gift – A Sneak Peak Share my healing journey. Taboo topics have infiltrated people. Take the Challenge Thank you. The Behind Story The Effects Gaslighting Had on Me The Hidden Diamond Transcend into healthy boundaries. Upcoming Posts We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know. Why I Share Why I Write Writing Is My Passion Writing Mirrors Life You Are Worthy! Your Gain “When I am weak then I am strong.”

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