Can Someone Learn How Not to Be a Victim?

Can Someone learn not to be a victim? The first step in gaining this essential survival skill is to accept that there is always room for growth.

For most of my life, I maintained a submissive trait. Throughout my childhood, my parents had taught me that way of existence. They reinforced the outdated belief that children should be seen and not heard, and they shut me down through intimidation tactics anytime I dared to speak up and stand with confidence. My father also silenced my mother, often through his use of violence, whenever she attempted to stand up against his demands. By the time I entered my teenage years, I had lost all my confidence.

Abusers train their victims to behave in this intimidating manner. Such grooming is a control tactic abusers use over their victims. My parents used this tactic to instill in me the traits of victimhood. Abusers prime people like me to become victims of abusive spouses, which is what happened to me when I got with the man with whom I had my four children.

I remained in my ex’s control for twenty-six years. While under this man’s captivity, my attention often wandered toward confident women, filling me with envy. I remember one day pointing out someone who glowed with self-assurance. I told my ex, “I wish I were more like her.” He responded with a sneer, “If you were, I’d have nothing to do with you.” I cowered at his response, taking it as the threat he meant it to be. Now that I have educated myself in this matter and become more assertive, I see his response as a bright red flag.

How to Learn Not to Be a Victim – Step One

Before I could break free from my abusers, I had to overcome my flawed way of thinking. A person becomes a perpetual victim due to the damaging programs that abusers have instilled in their victims’ minds. When someone is so cleverly programmed to remain a victim, once they recognize their predicament, their natural way of thinking gravitates toward the trap of focusing all blame on the abuser. While in no way diminishing the severity of the abuser’s actions, the victim must also examine their own action to become completely free.

A Lesson in How to Learn Not to Be a Victim

This thought of examining one’s own actions takes me to a statement my Episcopalian minister said during a recent sermon. “If you truly know yourself, you would not be irked by other people.” When I heard this phrase, it would not leave my mind. What does that mean? My thoughts gravitated toward a few people in my present-day life with whom, after interactions, I would frequently walk away from battling an intense, irked feeling. The word “irked” is sometimes too mild to describe my feelings. So, how does knowing myself better lessen such irritation?

A blessing that comes with inner growth is its ability to provide us with greater compassion toward others. This compassion allows us to better recognize where a person’s actions come from. Greater compassion diminishes annoyance.

However, I have understood this concept for quite some time. This is why I have been able to write the books I write and why, despite my history with my mother, I have been able to foster a relationship with her. My minister’s comment caused me to wonder, have I not grown as much as I thought?

I brought this question to my minister, who told me that “to know yourself at a level where one doesn’t become irked at others’ actions isn’t a one-and-done achievement. It’s not a destination. We each have our own healing work to do. We find compassion for ourselves when we come to new layers of understanding about ourselves. With that newfound self-compassion, we gain a greater capacity for understanding and compassion for others. It’s a way of life to practice this, to turn to the Holy Spirit for help, and to be patient and kind with ourselves when this is more challenging. Grace begets grace.”

It’s Not a Destination. It’s a Journey.

Growth is not a destination. It’s a journey. As we trek down our healing path, we continue to grow in many ways, including compassion. One lesson I am learning within my journey is to overcome programming to please others. I must stop thinking of others as authority figures over me and stand up for myself.

A way to help me let go of such intimidation is to recognize the difference between a person’s unique personality-based actions and the dysfunctional actions they have learned. I must accept reality and give up fantasies of how I desire a person to be and act. As a result, achieving this has become a new lifetime journey where I advance a step at a time, day by day.

I don’t ever want to fall into victimhood again. I must recognize where I am still vulnerable and cautiously proceed in such areas. This monumental thought led me to see where I use the feeling of being irked to my advantage. For where I am at this time in my growth, I use being irked as a red flag to warn me of a trait within a person that could be dangerous to me. It is a cautionary warning highlighting areas where I need to maintain healthy boundaries between myself and that person.

The Importance of Learning How Not to Be a Victim

This growth journey is crucial. Without it, a person will, no doubt, repeat their pattern of victimization, with only the variance being who the abuser is and their surrounding circumstances. The victim cannot gain this type of growth necessary to free themself from life as a victim when they place all blame upon the abuser.

I beg you not to misinterpret what I am saying. In no way am I diminishing the significance of an abuser’s actions. Instead, I am saying that by gaining such growth, we gain the power to go from being a victim to a survivor to a thriver.

With this growth, we are no longer as desirable to an abuser. Like my ex said, “If you were like her, I’d have nothing to do with you.” My ex saw no attraction in that woman because she radiated confidence instead of victimization. An abuser cannot abuse without someone taking on a victim-like mindset, which is why victims must open their eyes to see where victim training exists within themself.

For more on this subject, see my previous blog post at https://crystalmmhuntley.com/2024/05/how-to-spot-22-ways-that-rob-your-joy/.

To learn more about how not to be abused, see https://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-an-Abusive-Relationship.

If trapped in an abusive relationship, use this universal SOS symbol to signify distress.

I hope you join me next time as I post specifics about what abuse is.

Note to My Readers

Hopefully, you have gained value from this blog post. If you have, I would like to offer you the opportunity to purchase my books. You can purchase The Hidden Diamond and Robin’s Gift here at BUY THE BOOK – Crystal MM Huntley.

An additional site where you can find my books is https://bkbookshoppe.com. However, if you prefer to purchase from Amazon, you will find The Hidden Diamond at http://www.amazon.com/The-Hidden-Diamond-Crystal-MM-Huntley/dp/1665573767 and Robin’s Gift at https://www.amazon.com/Robins-Gift-Crystal-MM-Huntley/dp/B0CVL7746N.

Each purchase of my books supports my mission to break the chains of abuse. Once you have read either of my books, feel free to leave a review on the site where you have purchased it. Your review will encourage others to also seek out the path of healing.

***The Hidden Diamond*** – Immerse yourself in a journey that uncovers the worth of a wounded soul amongst a lifetime of sin.

***Robin’s Gift*** – Lost and alone, Natalie’s biggest dream is to fulfill her desire to be loved. A tragic accident calls her home. Can she return and face her greatest fear?

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How to Learn Not to Be a Victim – Step One

A Lesson in How to Learn Not to Be a Victim

It’s Not a Destination. It’s a Journey.

The Importance of Learning How Not to Be a Victim

Note to My Readers

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