Is It Possible to Honor Someone Who Harmed You?

Is it possible to honor someone who harmed you? Exodus 20:12 tells us to “honor your father and your mother,” but what if they caused you great harm? How do you honor someone who abused you? I’ve grappled with this question many times throughout my healing journey.

Last month, my nearly ninety-year-old mother fell and broke her hip, requiring partial hip replacement surgery. I never anticipated that she would see ninety. I recall when I was as young as eight years old, Mother often declaring how “old” she was. And according to her, she constantly hovered on the edge of death’s bed. Needless to say, the frequent talk of her demise caused me to think often of her death. Yet, contrary to her predictions, she continues to live far past the average life expectancy.

I’ve heard it said that once an elderly person breaks a hip, they often don’t live much longer. I assume the drawn-out healing process in a rehab facility might tend to break a person’s will to live. My mother is a social person, and being away from her home and circle of friends is definitely troubling her.

Healing Sometimes Requires Separation.

I’ve had a troublesome relationship with my mother. There were times I had no contact with her as I went through the brunt of my healing work. The fact that I’ve lived multiple states away from her throughout my adult years has helped me maintain this separation when needed. After such a season of separation, I’d dip my toe in the water and test things, only to retreat again.

This dance went on for the better part of twenty years. I desperately wanted the fantasy and nurturing of a mother. So, I’d opened doors to that possibility, only to discover that the person who had given birth to me remained unable to fulfill that need. My efforts ultimately led to deepened wounds, sliding me backward in my healing, so I then entered yet another season of separation from her.

But over the past few years, things have changed. When this change occurred, I again was testing the waters. My mother had periodically been calling me, begging me to take on a therapist role as she spilled out deep, private emotions and complaints. Each time she did this, I emphasized that I would not and could not play this role for her. I suggested she seek out a qualified counselor. She adamantly refused to do so. After a string of these phone calls, Mother made it clear she would not honor my boundaries, so I stopped answering the phone when her number appeared on the caller ID.

Separation Brings Clarity.

During this season of separation, my outlook toward her shifted. I no longer saw her as my mother, but instead as a broken, wounded child relentlessly seeking relief from her own inner agony. I finally gave up my desire to receive mothering energy from her. As I shifted my perception of her from mother to wounded child, I saw the harrowing path she had come from and felt her desperate cry for relief. A desire budded within me to do something to bring her joy during her final years. This shift in perception allowed me to reach out to her safely. She responded well, this time honoring my boundaries.

I know other people Mother has harmed through her actions. I understand that, for their own healing, they need to keep their distance from her. Everyone heals differently and at their own pace. There is no single way to do it. My mother is sad about those broken relationships, but that is something she has to deal with on her own. Keeping this separation is part of the boundaries I set, and it helps me finally have a safe relationship with her.

I’m grateful my healing has brought me to the space where I can nurture this healthier relationship with my mother. One never knows how long they have on this earth. The simple fact that she will turn ninety in five short months indicates that she’s existing in borrowed time. A while back, I began learning the song “Scars in Heaven” by Casting Crowns. Casting Crowns – Scars in Heaven (Official Music Video) https://www.youtube.com;watch?v-qCdevloDE6E. When my mother does pass on, I want to honor her by singing this song at her funeral. The lyrics seem fitting for her, especially this part.

“I know the road you walked was anything but easy
You picked up your share of scars along the way
Oh, but now you’re standing in the sun, you’ve fought your fight and your race is run
The pain is all a million miles away.”

Is It Possible to Honor Someone Who Harmed You?

Is it possible to honor someone who harmed you? I believe the answer to this question is yes, it is possible, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. In my experience, this type of honoring can only be done after a considerable amount of healing has occurred, and even then, through exercising well-established boundaries.

Honoring someone should never include allowing someone to harm you. To me, honoring means recognizing the truth of who that person is and where they come from while maintaining compassion for them.

Honoring is not viewing someone as a one-dimensional abusive monster. Instead, it recognizes them as that multi-facet diamond I mention in my book The Hidden Diamond. We are all children of God who have lost our way due to the wounds that life has inflicted upon us. We can each choose to let those wounds cut facets into our inner diamond and allow it to sparkle or not.

Don’t get me wrong, my viewpoint in no way excuses anyone’s actions. It recognizes them as human, and not all humans are safe. For further understanding on this topic, I invite you to https://crystalmmhuntley.com/2024/03/why-forgive-even-the-most-unforgivable/.

God loves us all equally. Because of this fact, I don’t believe our Heavenly Parent wants us to sacrifice our own sanity in an effort to honor another. I feel our Savior wants us all to be honored, which means honoring yourself while honoring others, including your earthly parents.

Forgiveness Clears the Path to Honor.

Once I saw my mother as a wounded child, my ability to forgive her came naturally. Forgiveness cleared the pathway to honoring my mother in a way that also honored me. I would not have this renewed relationship with my mother without forgiveness. It opened the doorway to internal peace within me and brought joy to my mother.

In my book Robin’s Gift, Lucy faces a moment from her past. By choosing forgiveness, Lucy releases her hold on Harold. That, in turn, opens doors, allowing joy to spill into both of their lives. I invite you to read about Lucy and Harold’s relationship. You can purchase Robin’s Gift at https://www.amazon.com/Robins-Gift-Crystal-MM-Huntley/dp/B0CVL7746N.

To see more Crystalisms, visit https://www.facebook.com/groups/1360983917796761.

My definition of forgiveness is to give up on the wish for a different past so that we might embrace the present. Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is not pretending that the harm did not happen. Forgiveness is giving up the wish that it had happened differently. It is accepting what was so that you can live in what is.

Disclosure

I want to remind you that I’m not a therapist of any sort. I’m a survivor of abuse, journeying down my own personal healing path. The only thing that may set me apart from others is my decision to share what I’ve learned along the way to aid others as they navigate their own healing path. To further support your healing journey, I invite you to my hotline/resource page at https://crystalmmhuntley.com/resources/.

Upcoming Posts

I invite you to join me next time as we celebrate the 250th anniversary of our nation’s freedom, and I share how truth has set me free.

Note to My Readers

To further support your healing journey, I’ve added a direct access hotline/resource page to my website. You can view it at https://crystalmmhuntley.com/resources/.

Writing is my passion. It is also an excellent healing tool. The beauty of fiction is that it allows you to create outcomes that don’t exist in the everyday world. This is why I have chosen to write my book in this genre. May all who indulge in my written creations find entertainment, enjoyment, and inspiration to move forth in your healing journey.

Hopefully, you have gained value from this blog post. If so, I would like to offer you the opportunity to purchase my books. You can purchase The Hidden Diamond and Robin’s Gift here at BUY THE BOOK – Crystal MM Huntley.

***Robin’s Gift*** – Lost and alone, Natalie’s biggest dream is to fulfill her desire to be loved. A tragic accident calls her home. Can she return and face her greatest fear?

***The Hidden Diamond*** – Immerse yourself in a journey that uncovers the worth of a wounded soul amongst a lifetime of sin.

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Healing Sometimes Requires Separation.

Separation Brings Clarity.

Is It Possible to Honor Someone Who Harmed You?

Forgiveness Clears the Path to Honor.

Disclosure

Upcoming Posts

Note to My Readers

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