Why do abuse victims become defensive? Defensiveness from a victim is a common thread that, sadly, holds that victim in the realm of abuse. I learned so well to react with defensiveness that, for years, I could not hear that cutting tone in my voice. Over time, with careful diligence, I worked my way out of that unhelpful, responsive way of being. This action often comes as a residual effect of abuse.
On June 28th, 2024, I posted this on my social media platforms.
One of my readers responded with a rebuttal. “The old belief that victims become perpetrators has kept victims from seeking help or justice because they feared being labeled as a potential predator.”
Her defensive words indicated a false interpretation of what I posted. I stand firm in my original statement, “hurt people hurt people,” which I use in my book, The Hidden Diamond. To illustrate why I stand by what I said, here are clips from the conversation between Alexandra and Dakota, her five-year-old son, while in a grocery store. In this scene, Alexandra explains Aldous’s curt response to their extended dinner invitation.
Excerpt from The Hidden Diamond
“How rude. . . . See what I mean, Mommy? He’s just a mean old man. I didn’t want him to come to our house, anyway.”
“Dakota, that’s enough. You are not to talk offensively of others like that.”
“But, Mommy—”
“You heard me, Dakota. Listen, sweetie, it’s just like with Jacob Downing. Neither Jacob nor Mr. Aldous is a bad person. They both are just wounded.
“Remember that big white dog, with the patch of black fur over one eye . . . the one who roamed our old neighborhood?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Do you recall when we found him lying by the side of the road after a car hit him?”
“Yeah, he was hurt real bad. I wanted to go up to him and give him a big hug like you do whenever I get hurt, but you wouldn’t let me.”
“Do you understand why?”
“You said he might bite me, but that made no sense because I knew that dog. I had petted him many times, and he never once bit me. He always acted real friendly.”
“But when he got injured by the car, that made things much different than all those times he ran the neighborhood, happy and free. It is very important to use caution while approaching a wounded animal. They would be in a survival state. Even though he may be friendly under normal circumstances, while injured, he could easily bite even the people he trusts.
“People are not much different than animals. When someone is seriously hurt, it is often hard to remain friendly. Not that they intend to be mean, but their wounds rob them of the capacity to reach out. When a person’s injuries become that immense, they turn within and allow time to heal. While doing so, they often lose the ability to be kind to others. That is when it becomes our job to reach out to them with extended love, understanding, and forgiveness, even when they bite.”
Dakota stood beside the shopping cart, facing his mother. Alexandra knelt before him with her hands placed over his upper arms. “Just like last month when you were sick. All you wanted to do was cuddle under your blankets to watch TV or sleep. If I had asked you to pick up your room, would you have done the job without getting cranky at me?”
“No way, I felt awful. If I moved to put my toys away, I would have thrown up.”
“Well, it’s the same with Mr. Aldous.”
“You mean Mr. Aldous feels all queasy in his stomach?”
Alexandra combed her hand through Dakota’s bangs, brushing them from his eyes. “What I mean is that inside, he is badly hurt. We don’t know how it happened or from whom, but the fact remains that he is severely wounded. People don’t become mean and cranky without any reason. It’s like this, sweetheart, hurt people hurt people.”
Unhealed Wounds Unwittingly Harm Others.
Our unhealed wounds inadvertently harm others. This fact holds even when extreme efforts are taken against it. A particular commercial stands out to me. It portrays a woman in her forties who, due to smoking, developed cancer. Her battle to heal resulted in the loss of half of her face. She tells how her illness affected her son who, at age seventeen, had to become her caregiver. This mother did not purposely go out to harm her teenage child, yet her wounds necessitated him to sacrifice part of his youth.
I’m not saying that all hurt people become monsters aiming to harm others. Nothing in this world is as clear-cut as that. The phrase hurt people hurt people brings clarity to the fact that the wound of one person will spread out and affect those who remain close to them.
Summer’s Story
Let me use a young mother I know as another example. I will call her Summer. Summer suffered through a childhood of abuse and neglect. As soon as she came of age, she left that abusive household and began having children of her own. She did like many and had numerous babies to fill that gaping hole within her that ached for love, which meant that while still a hurt person, Summer became a mother. Summer has a good heart, yet she started her family while still poisoned by her childhood wounds. These unresolved struggles impede her ability to be an effective parent, inevitably passing similar wounds on to her children.
A similar version of the story of Summer has repeated itself countless times since the beginning of time, which is why I hold onto the truth of the phrase “hurt people hurt people.” People often place their wounds in a box with the misconception that, while locked up, they cannot bleed out onto others. Yet, the only way to keep our wounds from affecting those close to us is by committing to do the work to heal.
Shame Has No Place
I, like Summer, started my family while still caught up in the throes of abuse. And like Summer, I had my four children to fill that gaping hole within that ached for love. As a result, my beloved children grew up with the misfortune of being raised by a mother with unhealed abuse wounds and an abusive father. Now, my children are adults with children of their own. And sadly, they also, to varying degrees, have passed on the curse that comes with an unbroken chain of generational abuse.
My youngest has succeeded the most at severing those chains. Because of the healing work my daughter and I have done, we can have open conversations on this topic. In one such conversation, I shared with her my regret for how I handled things within her childhood home. Her response aided in further healing for us both. She emphasized that I did the best I could at that time with the resources I had. With compassion, she stressed that I had no reason for shame.
To see more Crystalisms, go to https://www.facebook.com/groups/1360983917796761.
The Commitment to Braking Chains of Abuse
The concept “hurt people hurt people” rang true while I raised my children, yet my daughter saw I had no evil intent. For that reason, she extended me grace. A person cannot help what their parents pass down to them. A non-abuser will do their best at any moment, but their responsibility does not end there. They must claim control over how they are going to make things better.
Such a change takes time, commitment, and work, often requiring a lifetime to achieve. Holding onto guilt and shame ties you to your past, impeding forward growth. A commitment to healing includes releasing yourself from such shame. When it rings true, assure yourself that you are doing your best with what you have at that moment, and keep moving forward.
Note To My Readers
Hopefully, you have gained value from this blog post. If you have, I would like to offer you the opportunity to purchase my books. You can buy The Hidden Diamond and Robin’s Gift at BUY-the-BOOK https://www.amazon.com/s?i=digital-. Two additional sites where you can find my books are https://bkbookshoppe.com and https://bizybookstore.com.
Each purchase of my books supports my mission to help those trapped in abuse break those chains and find their way to freedom while drawing closer to their Maker. Once you have read either of my books, feel free to leave a review on the site you purchased from. Your review will encourage others also to seek out the path of healing.
Alexandra All souls are priceless no matter their past. A personal reason to testify. Assure myself with a pep talk. Boundaries Breaking Out Breathe into the space of peace. Complex CPTSD Continue to write for God. Difficult people can become a catalyst for growth. Discover My Newest Post Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Forgiveness Free Giveaway From Robin’s Gift God chooses. Grace Enters Hope How I got out of the wheelchair. Installing Healthy Boundaries Invite Keep up the good work. Master New Skills My Mission My Story No meaningful journey exists without pitfalls. Note To My Readers Resources Robin’s Gift Robin’s Gift – A Sneak Peak Share my healing journey. Taboo topics have infiltrated people. Take the Challenge Thank you. The Behind Story The Hidden Diamond Transcend into healthy boundaries. Upcoming Posts We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know. Why I Write Writing Is My Passion Writing Mirrors Life You Are Worthy! Your Gain “When I am weak then I am strong.”
