Do you know how to stop being a victim? This lack of knowledge keeps many people trapped in the cycle of going from one abusive relationship to another. “Stop being a victim! Stop being a victim!” I have heard those words countless times over the twenty-six years of life with my ex. Abusers weaponize victimization against us, and like any abuser, my ex used victimhood against me.
We don’t know what we don’t know. My parents raised me to be a victim. My mother perfectly exemplified victimhood in her daily actions. Again, we don’t know what we don’t know. Being the victim became all my mother knew. As a result, she prostituted her innate intelligence and instead nurtured her expert ability to “play dumb.” My mother taught me that skill.
What Our Parents Teach Us
I recall my parents visiting when my youngest son was an infant. We toured a newly constructed temple at the World Headquarters of the church they had raised me in. I distinctly remember the tour guide pausing before a wall of windows displaying a view of a botanical garden.
Mother remained at the front of the group, near the guide. She interrupted his honed script with a question. As Mother’s words spilled from her mouth, a wave of embarrassment shot through me. I don’t remember what she asked, but I remember thinking that the answer to her inquiry was obvious. This event marked the first time I grew suspicious that she asked such basic questions for attention’s sake.
From that day on, I watched Mother’s behavior more closely and noticed how frequently she engaged in this action. God had blessed my mother with intelligence. She even held a degree, so why would she throw out her Divine-given smarts to “play dumb. As I paid attention to her actions, I noticed that I had learned from her the game of “playing dumb.”
During fifth grade, I remember raising my hand in Math class, feigning that I did not comprehend the fractions Mrs. Marshall attempted to teach. Yet an inner part of me betrayed the truth that I knew how to work that equation. So why did I profess, in front of the whole class, that I did not understand?
Why We Do Such Things
It took many years of growth to connect the dots and discover why I engaged in such deception. I had learned it from my mother. As I grew up, she drilled in me the false belief that I was supposed to behave in such a way. Once I shined a light on that action, I quickly concluded that I did not want to exist in such a way. Then, step by step, I worked my way out of that behavior.
So why did I pretend not to understand basic fractions? Such an action usually occurs due to a much deeper, underlined reason. As part of my healing work out of abuse, a ray of light illuminated the answer. I grew up parched for love. When someone does not receive the needed amount of healthy attention, they seek it out any way they can. In my case, I received a dose of satisfaction from my thirst each time I “played dumb.”
To see more Crystalisms, go to https://www.facebook.com/groups/1360983917796761.
Enlightenment
This enlightenment seeped within me for some years. In time, it produced a cup of fully infused tea ready for consumption. With that absorption came the realization that my mother, with above-average intelligence, also thirsted for attention. After decades of suffering the effects of dehydration, somewhere along the line, Mother discovered that each time she “played dumb,” she received a drop of satisfaction.
Compassion toward my mother grew with this ray of enlightenment. This year, my mother will celebrate her eighty-eighth birthday. Her brain remains as sharp as ever, yet to the unknowing bystander, she gives off a mentally diminished appearance. However, I have the inside knowledge of the perception she has mastered throughout my lifetime.
Under certain circumstances, Mother reveals that she remains just as sharp as ever. But for multiple decades, she has expertly played the part of someone vastly different from how God created her. As a result, Mother knows no other reality. We don’t know what we don’t know. My mother knows no other way of existing.
Shaming Never Works
A truth I’ve gleaned during my healing journey is that we cannot shame a person into a behavior change. An underlying reason for why they act a certain way always exists. Each time my ex bombarded me by demanding that I “stop being a victim,” in actuality, he reinforced that behavior.
A person can’t just stop doing something. They need an understanding of why they do such a thing and compassionate guidance to work their way out. An abuser would never provide such help, for abusers need their victims to remain a victim. To an abuser, their victim is like nourishment to the body. Their panicked way of existence depends on keeping their chosen victim down and incapacitated.
Troy and Rachel
When victimhood is all someone has ever known that person can’t just stop. Let me give you an example of two people I know whose names I have changed.
Troy had a habit of speaking in noncommittal ways. This tendency immensely annoyed his wife, Rachel. After nearly a decade of frustration over her husband’s refusal to produce solid answers, Rachel began to wonder. Did that way of reacting weave its threads so deep within the fabric of Troy’s nature that he genuinely did not know how to speak with preciseness? So, she decided to change her approach. Instead of continuing to react in her old way of frustration, Rachael chose love.
With this choice of love, Rachel gained insight into how others in Troy’s past have used such noncommittal answers as tools with which to abuse him. In doing so, they reinforced Troy’s behavior. She refused to be numbered among those who had misused her husband.
As a result, Rachel vowed never again to accept any non-solid responses from her husband. Whenever Troy answered in his typical indecisive way, Rachel lovingly pushed him beyond his retort. “What are you saying? Is that a yes or no?” Rachel provided Troy a safe and understanding place to learn and grow from. As she continued treating him this way, Troy began to learn a new and more effective way of communication that honored him and his wife, ultimately strengthening their marriage.
We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know.
We cannot shame anyone into change. Trying to do so is abuse. You deserve to seek out people who show you love and understanding. Nurture those relationships that use such tools to support your growth so you do not become stagnant in dysfunction. Do not pressure anyone to change. Instead, provide them the love and support they need to develop into who God meant them to be.
Note To My Readers
Hopefully, you have gained value from this blog post. If you have, I would like to offer you the opportunity to purchase my books. You can buy The Hidden Diamond and Robin’s Gift at BUY-the-BOOK https://www.amazon.com/s?i=digital-. Two additional sites where you can find my books are https://bkbookshoppe.com and https://bizybookstore.com.
Each purchase of my books supports my mission to help those trapped in abuse break those chains and find their way to freedom while drawing closer to their Maker. Once you have read either of my books, feel free to leave a review on the site you purchased from. Your review will encourage others also to seek out the path of healing.
Advancing My Healing Journey A Reinterpretation Back to the Basics Blessings Surround Us Boundaries Breaking Out Breathe into the space of peace. Christmas Complex CPTSD Don’t Get Stuck. Excerpt from The Hidden Diamond Free Giveaway From Robin’s Gift Glorify God Through Your Challenges. Happenings or Interpretations? Hiding From Ourselves Hope Invite Listen to the Soft Whisper. Master New Skills Note To My Readers Resources Robin’s Gift Robin’s Gift – A Sneak Peak Rock Climbing Seek Understanding Shame Has No Place Summer’s Story Surrender Surrendering Take a Step Back. Take the Challenge The Choice Is Yours The Commitment to Braking Chains of Abuse The Gift of New Perspective The Hidden Diamond The Still Small Voice To My Readers Unhealed Wounds Unwittingly Harm Others. Upcoming Posts Use Caution We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know. What Is Your Lesson? Why I Write You Are Worthy!
