What do you do when your Dreams of the utopian family shatter into a thousand fractured pieces? How do you move on? I experienced this tragedy. By 2010, it became clear that my “utopian family” remained nothing more than a fantasy, and life forced me to face reality. As a result, at the beginning of 2012, I escaped the abusive man who reared my four children and sought refuge in the safety of a shelter for abused women. If you are finding yourself trapped in such a similar situation, find a shelter near you by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline at https://www.thehotline.org (800-799-7233) or text “START” to 88788.
One of the most valuable and powerful connections we humans form is the connection between a parent and child. If circumstances cause such a connection to shatter, it can destroy the very core of your existence.
My Loss of Identity
I first discovered that my identity rested on being a mother from the monumental day I carried a baby in my womb. By the time my first-born child entered preschool age, I had lost a huge hunk of me and was known only as “Joel’s mother.” Additional pieces of my individuality became chipped off with the birth of my three other children.
As I stepped into motherhood, all sense of achievement and self-pride rested in being the mother to my four precious children. My life revolved around them. They engulfed my existence and every feeling of purpose.
My parents had raised me in an abusive, dogmatically cult-like home. Their strict, judgmental view of life left little wiggle room for me to formulate a healthy sense of self. This frail self-esteem they nurtured within me sought for anything of substance to grasp onto. For me, the answer to who I am had morphed into the identity of motherhood.
I dedicated my heart to committing everything I had to be the best mother I could be. But a person cannot give what they do not have. Luckily, God had installed within me natural maternal talents. However, talent alone is not enough. My parents taught me well what not to do. I had to discover on my own, through trial and error, what to do. My first monumental mistake was the partner I had naively made vows with. As the father of my children, he set in place vast obstacles, blocking my path to successfully creating the family ties I dreamed of.
My Utopian Dream Broke
All I wanted was a family that would love and never abandon me. I grew up in a home filled with abuse and abandonment. My immature self believed I could overcome the wounds that childhood had inflicted on me by creating a large family to surround me with love.
A huge reason I so easily lost myself rested on the fact that I never had the chance to establish an identity of my own. My abusive parents raised me with extreme chauvinistic beliefs. Their philosophy included the concept that I could enter Heaven only through a “godly” man who held an office of ministry in the head church we then belonged to. As a result, the only dream of what I wished to become when I grew up was a mother. Being a “good” child, I robotically did as they demanded, which resulted in twenty-six years committed to a man cut from the same cloth as my father. That experience did not end well.
For identity protection, throughout this post, I have used fictitious names for my children and their father. My children’s father, Ivan, never supported me as a mother, even counteracting my efforts. With my sons, Ivan declared that while they were young, they were mine, but once my sons became teenagers, they belonged to him. Due to his chauvinistic ways, my daughter would remain mine.
As a result, I felt like a single mom to my four young children. I remained a stay-at-home mother, even homeschooling them for three years. Once the boys became teenagers, Ivan, true to his word, took them under his wing while my daughter Emilia remained at my side.
Shattered Even More
My sons grew increasingly arrogant as they matured, making it harder for me to manage them. Any time I had a parenting challenge and approached Ivan for support, he refused, making it clear the issue existed between me and that child. I remember one incident when I asked my second-born son if he would help with the dishes. He responded by stepping inches from my nose, flaring his fists, and swearing at me in a raised voice. I asked Ivan for help. As typical, Ivan responded, Marcus is expressing his feelings. You’re abusing him by trying to suppress his emotions.
Ivan continuously undermined my authority, telling the children they don’t have to respect me or do anything I say. My dream of a utopian household shattered steadily more with each passing year. Ivan continuously introduced my children to corrupt ideals. His lack of morals made my stomach sick, yet I had no authority to stand up against him.
With threats, Ivan would pressure me to participate in actions that made my heart shout out warning signs. Finally, around 2010, somehow, I gained the inner fortitude to stand up against him. He did not like my show of strength. In response, Ivan’s behavior toward me grew even more hostile. In February of 2012, for my safety, I escaped to a shelter for abused women. If you are a victim of abuse, following these nine steps will help you gain freedom. https://crystalmmhuntley.com/2024/05/nine-steps-to-follow-if-youre-being-abused/.
A Cause of My Shattered Dream
I did not realize at that time that Ivan suffered from the effects of untreated bipolar disorder. With proper treatment, people with that mental disability can lead healthy, well-balanced lives. But if left untreated, this disability causes havoc in their lives and the lives of their loved ones.
To learn more about how to manage bipolar disorder, Barbara E Kompik, a well-known author, has written many helpful books on this topic, including The Bipolar Marriage and The Unstoppable Creative Bipolar Personality. You can find out more about her and her books at https://bkbookshoppe.com.
A Dangerous Mix
Ivan’s narcissistic self would never accept the fact that he suffered from a mental health condition, let alone agree to receive help. My time within the shelter proved that Ivan not only had bipolar disorder tainted by extreme narcissism but also sociopathic tendencies.
Ivan treated me as his property. I played a necessary part in his existence, like breath to his lungs. His narcissistic self could not believe that I would permanently leave him. Once it became clear I would not return, Ivan set into play all his sociopathic tendencies with the goal to destroy me. My ex had enough intelligence to foresee that he would never get away with ending my existence with his direct hand. However, Ivan knew well how to do such actions underhandedly. He hit me where it would hurt the most—through my children.
Over the next decade, Ivan wove complex lies between my children and throughout the community. Before long, those brutal lies had severely tainted their perception of me. As a result, my children turned against me.
Ivan nearly succeeded. He did not count on God taking care of me, providing me with inner strength, and people as helpmates to pull me through those dark moments. Those helpmates included someone who truly loved me. They stood by my side through whatever stumbling block life tossed in my direction. Also included in this list of helpmates are various skilled therapists. In time, my children began to see the truth, and gradually, our relationship began to be restored.
To see more Crystalisms, go to https://www.facebook.com/groups/1360983917796761.
Whatever threatens to block out the Light in your life, remember you are never alone. Focus on where you can receive skilled help and cling to those who support you on your healing journey.
I invite you to join me next time for more about how to find sustainment in times of suffering.
Note to My Readers
Hopefully, you have gained value from this blog post. If you have, I would like to offer you the opportunity to purchase my books. You can purchase The Hidden Diamond and Robin’s Gift here at BUY THE BOOK – Crystal MM Huntley.
An additional site where you can find my books is https://bkbookshoppe.com. However, if you prefer to purchase from Amazon, you will find The Hidden Diamond at http://www.amazon.com/The-Hidden-Diamond-Crystal-MM-Huntley/dp/1665573767 and Robin’s Gift at https://www.amazon.com/Robins-Gift-Crystal-MM-Huntley/dp/B0CVL7746N.
Each purchase of my books supports my mission to break the chains of abuse. Once you have read either of my books, feel free to leave a review on the site you purchased from. Your review will encourage others also to seek out the path of healing.
Alexandra All souls are priceless no matter their past. A personal reason to testify. Assure myself with a pep talk. Boundaries Breaking Out Breathe into the space of peace. Complex CPTSD Continue to write for God. Difficult people can become a catalyst for growth. Discover My Newest Post Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Forgiveness Free Giveaway From Robin’s Gift God chooses. Grace Enters Hope How I got out of the wheelchair. Installing Healthy Boundaries Invite Keep up the good work. Master New Skills My Mission My Story No meaningful journey exists without pitfalls. Note To My Readers Resources Robin’s Gift Robin’s Gift – A Sneak Peak Share my healing journey. Taboo topics have infiltrated people. Take the Challenge Thank you. The Behind Story The Hidden Diamond Transcend into healthy boundaries. Upcoming Posts We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know. Why I Write Writing Is My Passion Writing Mirrors Life You Are Worthy! Your Gain “When I am weak then I am strong.”
