Suicide, it’s a devastating effect of abuse—how to get help. We just completed the nine-week series on abuse. I pray you found value in the information provided. In addition, I feel the need to flow this topic with one more related post.
As I stated in https://crystalmmhuntley.com/2024/02/do-you-know-the-six-important-steps-to-escape-abuse/, the devastation of abuse erodes a person’s sense of self-worth.
Such a loss can place a victim in a dangerous space. It lowers their self-esteem, allowing depression and anxiety to seep in. Consequently, many victims develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). To counteract trauma effects, many turn to comfort in even more damaging places, such as substance abuse. Also, tragically too often, victims become suicidal.
I know far too well the effects of abuse. As I have shared in many posts, I‘ve lived much of my life as a victim. Those generational chains of abuse wrapped tight around me. They strangled many of my attempts to break free. As a result, I battled suicidal thoughts for much of my life.
My Story
The tender age of eight marks the first time I desired death to escape the horrors of life. My father distortedly twisted the teachings of a legitimate church. This adaptation resulted in my parents raising me in a cult-like religion of their makings.
My father’s corrupted doctrine taught me that age eight is the age of accountability. My parents expected me to commit myself to the church through the act of baptism, which would wash away all my sins. In their warped form of religion, baptism provided the only opportunity to annul a person’s sins. Any sin committed after that monumental moment forever marks a sure ticket to condemnation.
The Root Meaning of Sin
I wish to pause here and point out some flaws in my parents’ philosophy. First, let’s clarify the meaning of sin. Far too often, sin is taught as something worthy of great shame. However, the word “sin” originated from an ancient Greek term meaning “to miss the mark.”
This new information places that heavily weighted word in an entirely new light. This knowledge frees us from wrapping ourselves in a blanket of shame whenever we fall short and do wrong. We can see our “sin” as a loving reminder to correct our actions.
God is Love. Because of this, everything that comes from God is Love. The opposite of love is fear. And the typical way our society uses the word “sin” dredges up heaps of fear. However, when we remember the original meaning of this word, we can see our “sin” as an opportunity to learn. Our Heavenly Parent lovingly points out where we have ‘missed the mark” and then redirects us onto the correct path. Next, it is up to us to choose whether to follow our Savior’s directions.
Back to My Story
My parents taught me that, under all circumstances, I must obey my elders. Added to that demand, they forbade me from doing anything wrong. They backed up their warning by brainwashing me with an overwhelming fear of condemnation if I sinned.
Their dogmatic teachings often placed me in no-win situations. Such a conflict arose when my parents introduced me to an elderly couple who lived across the street. My parents insisted that my sister and I visit this couple often and treat them like grandparents. So, every day after school, we went to their house.
For a while, our visits remained enjoyable. Then, one day, things changed. This man, an elder I must obey, began molesting me. I knew God would frown on such actions. But how could I, an innocent seven-year-old, refrain from his demands without disobeying my elders? This nightmare placed me in an impossible situation to refrain from sin. No matter what action I chose, I faced definite condemnation.
My Solution
Relief swept over me as I approached my eighth birthday. I had found a way out of this impossible predicament. According to our church, eight years old is the age of accountability. A person can also be baptized at this age. As my mother taught me baptism classes, my heart leaped. I learned that baptism would wash me clean from sin. So, all I needed to do was get baptized, which would save me from hell.
Despite all my horrible experiences, I kept ahold of a firm belief in God’s love for me. Joy filled me as I approached my baptism day. I fully believed this was my one-way ticket out of hell. It would take away all the sins brought on by this older man.
But then I got thinking. Baptism may wash away my past sins, yet it does nothing for any sin committed after that time. I knew how to obey and did it well, but that wasn’t good enough. I am still responsible for any sin that resulted from my parents’ impossible demands. But, because God loved me, my Lord would want me, once cleansed, to remain clean. My Savior would rescue me.
To ensure my rescue, my innocent child-like mind conceived of a plan. I had complete confidence that my God would make it happen. My Savior would call me home to Heaven before anything could happen that would mark me with sin. So, I happily skipped around our house, singing this made-up ditty. “I’m going to be baptized, then I’m going to die, and I’m going to heaven, and it will be a wonderful day!” My song freaked out my mother, but that did not stop me from joyously repeating it.
Faith Shattered
The day of baptism arrived, and not long after, Mother sent me across the street. This time the man who lived there raped me. I had sinned again, and this sin would remain with me forever. I held total accountability for my wrongdoing, which sealed my fate. All my faith in a loving God plummeted.
I battled this twisted image of God well into my adult years. Suicidal wishes and plans revisited me multiple times over the twenty-six years I remained with my ex. This mentality continued to plague me during the six months after I escaped and resided in a safe shelter.
Since then, I’ve received the help of excellent therapists and other resources. I also threw out the old, warped concept of God based on lies. Freed of that false image, I now walk a new journey, drawing closer each day to the true God of Love.
Why I Share
I am sharing my story with you because suicide is prevalent among abuse victims. If despair is trapping you within this desperate space, trust that you are not alone! Hope always abounds.
When life’s situations become bleaker than bleak, it is easy to conclude that death is the only way out. But even when you cannot see one, a way toward freedom is always near.
Depression dominated a large percentage of my first forty-six years. I now live a life I never could have dreamed of in my wildest imagination. If I had given up, I would have missed the beauty, joy, and satisfaction that today brings.
A life filled with abundant joy exists, waiting for each of us. To reach the warmth of the sunshine, you must find your way out of the darkened forest. Never give up searching for a path that will lead you out. One always exists.
Resources
If suicidal thoughts trap you or someone you know, seek help. You can do so by dialing 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. They will connect you with a trained counselor. For further support with this and other mental health issues, go to the National Helpline Database. And always, if you or someone you know is in immediate danger, dial 911. Remember, every life is priceless. That includes you!
To see more Crystalisms, go to https://www.facebook.com/groups/1360983917796761.
Note To My Readers
Hopefully, you have gained value from this blog post. If you have, I would like to offer you the opportunity to purchase my books. You can buy The Hidden Diamond and Robin’s Gift at BUY-the-BOOK https://www.amazon.com/s?i=digital-. Two additional sites where you can find my books are https://bkbookshoppe.com and https://bizybookstore.com.
Each purchase of my books supports my mission to help those trapped in abuse break those chains and find their way to freedom while drawing closer to their Maker. Once you have read either of my books, feel free to leave a review on the site you purchased from. Your review will encourage others also to seek out the path of healing.
Alexandra All souls are priceless no matter their past. A personal reason to testify. Assure myself with a pep talk. Boundaries Breaking Out Breathe into the space of peace. Complex CPTSD Continue to write for God. Difficult people can become a catalyst for growth. Discover My Newest Post Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Forgiveness Free Giveaway From Robin’s Gift God chooses. Grace Enters Hope How I got out of the wheelchair. Installing Healthy Boundaries Invite Keep up the good work. Master New Skills My Mission My Story No meaningful journey exists without pitfalls. Note To My Readers Resources Robin’s Gift Robin’s Gift – A Sneak Peak Share my healing journey. Taboo topics have infiltrated people. Take the Challenge Thank you. The Behind Story The Hidden Diamond Transcend into healthy boundaries. Upcoming Posts We Don’t Know What We Don’t Know. Why I Write Writing Is My Passion Writing Mirrors Life You Are Worthy! Your Gain “When I am weak then I am strong.”
