How to spot tricks of the narcissistic trade. Not all who abuse are abusers. You may want to question this statement, but sit with me for a minute and let me explain. Yes, the actual abuser always exists. Their act of abuse is threaded so tightly within their core being that it is rooted in their nature. The abuser needs control over their victim and every aspect of their environment. You can never trust that an abuser will change their ways. What I described here is the abuser a victim must escape from to have any chance of a safe, drama-free existence.
Then, there exist others who abuse but are not necessarily abusers. This type of person carries forth behaviors modeled by their parents, someone prominent from their past, or even society. What one generation considers proper behavior often the next generation labels as abuse. Anyone who abuses may do so as a result of having experienced some form of traumatic wound. But the person who abuses, yet is not necessarily an abuser, will respond to help when given. They take steps toward growth, ultimately overcoming their dysfunctional ways. In contrast, the genuine abuser shuns such help.
All who are honest with themselves can recollect a time that they have, in one way or another, inflicted some form of abuse, minute or otherwise, upon another. This fact is why it is critical to distinguish between the actual abuser and someone who once did or currently engages in abusive actions.
Discerning Between the Abuser and One Who Abuses
Here is a way to discern between the two. The person who abuses is open to receiving help to change their ways. It is not unusual for them to go the extra step and seek this help. On the other hand, the authentic abuser hides behind a narcissistic shield, showing no genuine desire to change. They frequently twist facts, making it seem like they are the victim as a form of gaslighting.
It is commonplace for a victim to make excuses for their abuser, especially when that abuser is someone they love or with whom they have wrapped a dream around. However, having an understanding of a person’s unactable actions is very different from excusing their abusive behavior. ABUSE IS NEVER OKAY. See https://crystalmmhuntley.com/do-you-know-the-six-important-steps-to-escape-abuse/(opens in a new tab) for resources on how to safely get out of abuse.
The Hidden Diamond
In my book, The Hidden Diamond, my character, Aldous, is modeled after an actual person, the man who lived across the street, who molested and even raped me as a child. In reality, that man fits under the category of a bona fide, scheming, dangerous abuser. But for the purpose of my book, I placed him under the second category—someone capable of being transformed. Doing this gave me the ability to illustrate how some people who engage in the act of abuse due to past trauma can heal and rehabilitate. It also allowed me to weave the element of forgiveness into my story—a crucial ingredient for healing.
Aldous’s wife, Mariam, behaved in the exact way that the wife of this actual man across the street had. I can only surmise why she did so, which causes me to think of my mother. In past blogs, I’ve revealed much of Mother’s abusive actions toward me. My inside knowledge of her nature has given me awareness of much of the abuse that she had endured. That abuse broke her, yet the small, dimmed flame of a child-like heart still shines through.
Unhealed abuse can emotionally freeze a person to the maturity level at which a traumatic action occurred, keeping that person a wounded child in an adult body. Most children cannot stand up to authority figures. I believe this happened to my mother. I can only surmise that this also is why the person behind The Hidden Diamond’s character, Mariam, enabled the man across the street by making herself scarce so he could perform his vial acts in private.
Speak Your Truth
My ex exemplified perfectly the narcissistic abuser, skilled at gaslighting and much, much more. Every abusive action he did, he skillfully twisted around, accusing me of doing. For most of the twenty-six years that I remained with him, I had the naive belief that everyone has good intentions. I innocently assumed that if I found the right words to explain things clearly, he would understand, and things would improve.
I would spend hours formulating my words just the right way, practicing them in private, and even writing them down in journals. If I only said things correctly, I knew my ex would understand. If he were a person who abused others due to reasons I disclosed previously in this post, my efforts may have worked, but he was not. He was and still is an abuser.
Everything I accused him of doing, he turned around on me. I know now that I could have talked with him until no more breath existed in my lungs, and it never would have done any good. This scenario is typical with the narcissistic abuser—they have no desire to hear you. They have no desire for a healthy relationship. All they want is total control.
To see more Crystalisms, go to https://www.facebook.com/groups/1360983917796761.
Your life is a precious resource. You deserve to have people treat you with respect. If someone is abusing you, a place to begin to receive help is the National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org (800-799-7233) or text “START” to 88788. They can help you identify abuse, help you prepare a safety plan, find a shelter in your local area, and much more.
Note To My Readers
Hopefully, you have gained value from this blog post. If you have, I would like to offer you the opportunity to purchase my books. You can buy The Hidden Diamond and Robin’s Gift at BUY-the-BOOK https://www.amazon.com/s?i=digital-. Two additional sites where you can find my books are https://bkbookshoppe.com and https://bizybookstore.com.
Each purchase of my books supports my mission to help those trapped in abuse break those chains and find their way to freedom while drawing closer to their Maker. Once you have read either of my books, feel free to leave a review on the site you purchased from. Your review will encourage others also to seek out the path of healing.
